A Letter to Tiffani (1996)

Dear 15 year old Tiffani,

I'm writing to you, because the you from the future, me, needs your help. I think, no, I know that there are things you can do now, that will make us a happier Tiffani later on down the road.

I know right now, you think you have it all figured out. You think, you don't need a lot of friends, because your most important friend, is going to be your husband someday. You think that having a baby, with this boy, is going to make you the most important person in his life. I need for you to understand how important it is for you to stick to your goal of attending St. Francis College, and playing volleyball there. Make friends. Make lots of friends. Understand that although "he" feels like the greatest thing that has ever happened to you, you need to learn other people, and establish long lasting relationships with, other people. Enjoy college life, it will shape you into an incredible person.

Right now you're thinking, that you can do it all. Go to school full time, work full time, be a mother, and a wife. I bet it hasn't at all crossed your mind, that one day your body will betray you. You will have pain in places, that right now you take for granted. You will gain weight, you will inherit stretch marks. Be kind to your body. Start now. Eat properly, exercise regularly. Love your curves, and don't be so concerned with what other people think about them. Your body is for you. Your temple. If you take care of it now, it will take care of you later. Volleyball, is great. And you are great at it... But when you make the decision to join the track team, stick to it. Run baby, run. Not for medals, accolades and awards, run for you. 

Right now your thinking, that you can't do anything with out the help of your father.  I'm telling you now, you won't need him as much as you think. He's given you a very important piece of education. He's laid the foundation already. He taught you how to be an independent woman, how to survive without a man, how to do for yourself. It's going to be a long and hard road doing it by yourself, but you most definitely can. Nothing can break you, you are the most resilient person you know.

15 year old Tiffani, don't be in such a rush to be a mother, enjoy your twenties, travel. Learn to love yourself and cherish yourself, before giving yourself over to someone else. Your sanity and well being will be better off. Remember that in order to shape and mold anybody else, you yourself have to be whole, and in love with the person you are. 

Use these things that I've told you. Remember , marriage, your marriage, is a beautiful part of your life. It will be the greatest decision you ever make, but 1st, YOU have to learn to be the best version of YOU, you can be. Learn. Live. Laugh. Love. 

See you in the future!

Instagram...High School Continued.

I temporarily disabled my Instagram account. It was starting to contribute to my already scattered and ambiguous perception of my life. I was slowly turning into a social media private investigator. Sewing together images to create, at most times a fraudulent idea of what "my friends" are doing, or feeling, or thinking. I've spent hours, convincing myself that my [fake] altruistic behavior was excused, because "these are my friends"... Right? I should be interested in, what they are wearing, how their hair looks today, what restaurant they are at, who they are with, do I know that person, how come I wasn't invited?. Instagram quickly became a reminder of my high school social status.

The Cheerleader, The Jock, The Geek, The Comedian. None of these were a clear representation of who I was in high school. Instagram creates a whole new level of classificatory characterizations, which I still don't fit in. The popular girl, the one that's where everybody is. The girl that seems to be invited to everything. The Fun Guy, that's friends with everybody else. You can identify him by post that he's been tagged in. The "Mom", she loves everything about her kids. They are the greatest gift she's ever received. They get straight A's, on the honor roll, always look so darned cute, and never ever, stress their "mom" out. There is the "Instagram Comedian" who seems to find the joke in any scenario. Death, rape, kidnapping, everything is funny, and it's never too soon to laugh. The "Sex Deviant", every day is hump day for this character. There's so many characters, so many personalities on Instagram. My mistake, was lumping the genuine and the concocted into one cesspool of wonder. 

Instagram turned me into a crazy person. Wanting what others had. I seemed to have forgotten, how even when I would post something as silly and simple as a "selfie", how long it took, how many shots it took, how many different angles it took, how many different *gulp* filters it took, to look Instagram ready. I was starting to think everybody else's real life was perfection. All this based on the smallest image of what someone WANTS you to see. As if in this, smaller then a post-it size, picture you could see "The Popular Girls" desire for a stable relationship, or "The Fun Guys" stack of final notice bills sitting just to the left of the frame, or "The Mom" who's kid is having more sex than she is, or the "Instagram Comedian" who thinks laughter, and prescription drugs are the best medicine, or "The Sex deviant", who wouldn't know where to stick it, if it came with directions. 

Pictures say a thousand words right? I temporarily disabled my Instagram, so I can re-enable what's good, what's right, and what's beautiful about real life.

If you're  looking for me, look up from your phone and I'll be there.

Deuces Tiffani D.