NormAnomaly

Positively...Annoying

2011-10-07T12:35:00.000-07:00

Positive people, who see the cup half full, always see the silver lining, find the window behind every slammed door, or are just happy to wake up every morning (in my sweetest most sarcastic little girl voice) make want to blow chunks.

When I'm having a moment... I mean a really dark moment...Wait, let me just paint the picture for you.

Currently, I wake up and go to sleep every day with a headache, I recently had to quit the VERY part time job that keeps me from drowning in bills every month, I can no longer make it to the gym due to my kids crazy school schedules, My daughter is 9 going on 19, my sons teacher has informed me that he is "the bad kid", my husbands and my idea of a date these days is falling asleep in the same part of the apartment, and to top things all of, I think my car has emphysema.

Now like I started to say earlier...When I'm having a moment, the last freakin' thing I want to hear is: "Don't worry the glass is still half full". Clearly you can see that what ever tinged substance was left in the said glass, has been, gulped, gargled, and swallowed by the HA HA Your Life Sucks And Now Your Thirsty Too Fairy

I really don't mean to be the Negative Nancy, right now, or better yet negaTIFFANI, but being knocked unconscious really doesn't sound that bad. Sleeping for a few extra hours, a few extra days if your lucky, sounds A-W-S-O-M-E. Giving the body a chance to catch up to the brain might be just what the Dr. ordered. Slip in a free mani and pedi while I'm stretched out on the hospital gurney, and I could totally see this being the newest trend in spa vacations.

Ok, Ok this blog is starting to sound a little suicidal. All I'm saying is, sometimes it gets so crazy in life that it's hard to see a break in all those dark clouds. When things have been continuously arduous, reassuring words sound more like annoying little fallacies.

*sigh* Well don't let me be the bearer of bad news... You guys keep pushing and keep your heads up......UGH now I'm doing it too.

Deuces

I might possibly be a stalker!!

2011-09-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

Celebrities have never really.....done it for me. I've never been the type to care what the latest Hip Hop sensation was wearing, or what new drama the "it" Hollywood couple was up to. And baby bumps? Please. I got my own stretch marks and two knuckle head kids to look at. Keeping up with the Kardashians or any other celebrity news, gossip, or fashion, was something to do when I sat on the toilet.

However, over the last year or so I have joined the celebrity bandwagon. My wagon of choice? Beyonce Knowles. I love love love Beyonce. She is the epitome of everything I wish I could be. She's always such a lady, even when she's rocking out to her boo; Jay Z's, hood anthems. I think she is toothache sweet with her modesty, and how much she adores her fans. She and Jay Z, truly bring out the romantic in me, as they continue to keep the most juicy parts of their marraige mysterious. By being vague when when asked about one another, and keeping their public displays down to a bare minimum, it intrigues me even more. If ever I decided to grow up, I want to be just like them.

However, I've come to realize that my new found admiration for BeyBey (my nickname for her if ever we were to become bff's. We would be great best friends:)is actually an antithesis to the real issue which is... I WANT HER LIFE. She can sing... I can hum really really well. She can dance...I can electric slide. She's married to entrepreneur, business man, rapper Jay Z...I'm married to high school sweetheart, father of my children, NOT a rapper, K(ay)D. She shops at Bergdorf...I shop at Thrift Sores. She's gorgeous inside and out....Hell..... I'm...Tiffani.

Though clearly there are many differences that separate me and The Queen, we actually have a few things in common. This year we both turn 30. She's been with her man for 10 years, I've been married to mine for 10. She writes songs about the love of her life, I blog about mine. Both of us feel that there is no greater power then the power of a powerful woman.

I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that someday my ambitions of being as powerful a women as Mrs. Knowles-Carter is superseded by the actuality of it.

Pray for me!! I promise I'll break you off a piece of my celebrity money!!
Deuces :)

Tiffani's Turning Thirty

2011-09-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

For any of you that don't know but care to, in a few short months I will be turning Thirty.. For some, this milestone could be a reminder of how little in life has been accomplished. For others, turning 30 may solidify the fact that their membership in the fabulous 20-something club has been.....*gulp* TERMINATED. Goodbye to the days of fornicating for fun, and not minding the fact that our private parts feel like they've been wiped with sand paper. Adios, to eating what I want when I want, and not having to worry that my ass has become an obstruction during high peak traffic times.
For all those who join me in turning 30 this year, and are ready to except that the 20-something party cruise has officially crashed, sank and burned; I welcome you. I want you to share in my excitement, as we gladly receive our new found fondness, of the smell of that stuff you rub on your knees when you stay out past 9:30pm. Let us revel in the fact that we can still be fashionable (thank God) by wearing all the billowy tops that are, thankfully "in" right now. These tops allow us to skip the dreadful gym and continue enjoying our new favorite pastime...SLEEPING.

I don't know about the rest of the female population, But turning Thirty has somehow managed to make me feel like an Uber-Adult. It's great! All the gulit of struggling to fit into the 20-something ideal, has quickly diminished. No more anguish over the fact that while....*clears throat* pleasuring the hubby, I'm also redecorating, making a grocery list, and planning the weekends activities. I'm over the pressure of feeling like to have a "good night" out at the club I have to drink drinks that come to the table somking with flames and a cloudy residue. I'll take one glass of red wine any day of the week, because truthfully anything past one glass and the title of this post would have to be changed to Tiffani's Having A Baby...At Thirty.

With that said. I hope there's a few out there who, with me, roll their eyes when they hear anyone even whisper the words "Thirty is the new twenty". Hell no it ain't...especially over here *points to self*. Over here Thirty is just one more year older then 29, and excited to no longer have to fake the young people funk.

Deuces ;}

Damn Damn Damn...

2011-09-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

Damn Damn Damn....I've done it again.

It never fails. I am convinced that I am the best at nothing. No one can beat me at that. Since my last post on this blog I have attempted several other things that were supposed to have thrust me into fame and fortune. Keep on reading for a list of my most current failures.

Besides my NormAnomaly blog I have started a YouTube channel called SideBar Thoughts with Tiffani as well as a book blog called The Book-Lyn Project. All of which I have sadly done a less then mediocre job at. I just don't get it. I'm supposed to be raking in the dough right now, have my own television show, brand of soda, and a pretty awesome vehicle whose name sounds like something similar to the sound you make right before you hawk up a loogie.

So with these newest additions to add to my list of derelictions, I have come to a conclusion. The improbable, feeble, and simply put....lame attempts I have made at reaching my dreams and aspirations have been dependent on what I have finally figured out to be my one true nuisance....POPULARITY!!

Ugh!! As the feelings of JHS/HS days come rushing back to me. I have always been that girl who everybody knew....but didn't know well enough to give two shits about. I was the one in high school who started the trend of wearing stockings with two different colored legs. For several months I rocked my half white half navy blue stockings, not caring who thought it was a fashion cry for help. When I finally got sick of my mother yelling at me for ripping up all my stocking I stopped. To my dismay, one of the more popular girls (who will remain nameless), with her cheerleading ass picked up where I left off, and the one white leg one blue leg trend began.....AGAIN.

That story pretty much sums up the crap that I call my life.

Anywho, keeping this short and sweet. Stay tuned for more failed attempts at being something great.

Dueces

2010-01-22T08:20:00.000-08:00

Until very recently, I've found myself unafraid of most things. Not too many things have ever made me anxious to the point of sleeplessness. No scary thoughts of death, tragedy, or disaster have ever evoked within me feelings of dread. Lately however, I've been bombarded with articles, television shows, and conversations on the topic of teenage promiscuity and pregnancy, and suddenly, life no longer seems filled with rays of sunshine, singing voices, and little birdies fluttering about. Suddenly, I'm terrified.

As you all know I have a 7 year old daughter (she turns 8 on February 5th this year). She is a very smart and inquisitive little person. She asks questions when she doesn't understand something and she is at her best when she has the attention of a whole room.

Before this week, I thought of these qualites as endearing and very innocent. Before this week - before the articles, before the conversations - I was not worried that my child's precocious nature could be the start of something I might actually lose control of. However, after reading an article entitled When a 13-year-old delivers a shock and watching last night's airing of ABC's Private Practice, where one of the character's 15 year old daughter becomes pregnant, I am now fueled by fear that my daughter could too fall through the cracks.

Society is making it increasingly hard to trust that our daughters will make the right decisions concerning their bodies as far as sexuality goes. Music videoes, movies, and even the latest best sellers all paint such vivid delusions of sex and what it is to be sexy. As parents how do we compete?

Though my daughter is only 7, I hope that I have begun to lay the foreground to a trusting and open relationship between the two of us. As her mother, I need her to love herself enough to understand that life is not about following what everyone else is doing, but rather about being an individual. Life is about making decisions logically for yourself, even if that means you have to go against what everyone else is doing. I want to be able to trust her and not lock her in the house for the better part of her teenange years. I need to intsill in her that love is so often complicated by feelings of lust and acceptance by peers, and that having sex does not make you sexy.

My children, both my son and my daughter, are two of the most important people in my life. To me, failure would be raising a son who thinks bedding females is a sport and/or a daughter who thinks she was put on this earth to entertain men. This is a battle I refuse to lose.

The Princess and the Frog

2009-11-24T08:33:00.000-08:00

I am not at all ashamed to admit my profound love of cartoons, movies geared toward school-aged children, and most animated films. I am fully entertained by Spongebob and all other residents of Bikini Bottom. I sing along to musicals about little orphan girls and newspaper boys. and I find myself drawn to Disney movies that include Princesses, Fairy Godmothers, and of course (*sigh*) Prince Charmings. So it is no surprise that I am truly excited about the upcoming release of the new Disney animated film, 'The Princess and the Frog." However, this Disney debut has some very unique (and long overdue) characteristics that make the occasion even more momentous to me.

Disney is finally releasing a film featuring an African American Princess and I am ecstatic about it. As a mother of a seven year old daughter I am well aware of how sensitive young girls are about their own self-image. I have painfully witnessed my daughter doubt her own beauty simply because of her darker complexion.

The way in which children develop an understanding of self-image is amazing. Children form their ideas of beauty based on what they see on movies and in television. They also base their ideas of beauty on they don't see. In child media, children of color are generally underrepresented. In fact, there are very few Disney characters that look like us. Until now, the only ethnic Princess offered by Disney has been Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. I admit, I do love that movie, but Jasmine's big oval eyes, caramel colored skin, and long hair have a certain ambiguity that could represent a wide variety of different races and ethnic groups.

My enthusiasm for The Princess and the Frog lies in the introduction of a princess that looks like my daughter. As a mother, it is important to me that my daughter is able to identify the "princesses" in herself. Thus far, our daughters have been shown that only girls who look like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty are worthy enough to be dubbed "Princess". This lack of diversity leaves so many children unrepresented. Every little girl should have the opportunity to find inspiration in a Disney Princess that resembles them.

My daughter is really excited to see The Princess and the Frog and while I am sure that she would be just as excited to see an Asian, Native American, or Eskimo princess, I'm glad it's her turn to be represented. I'm glad that we are being clearly represented (although permed and primped, but hey, one step at a time people). The introduction of a Black Princess will show my daughter that beauty isn't something found only in fair or lightly colored skin. She will see that her skin color is both beautiful and special, just like every other little girl that has been lucky enough to see a bit of themselves on the silver screen.

The Princess and The Frog opens in theaters on December 11, 2009. I say what better way to celebrate then by taking our daughters, nieces, younger sisters, and God daughters out to support this film. Let's make this Disney Princess bigger and better than the ones before.

This has been quite a year...first a Black President and now a Black Princess!

Don't you mind being the comic relief all the time?

2009-11-03T13:03:00.000-08:00

A few months ago someone asked me "Don't you mind being the comic relief all the time?". At that point I didn't even think twice about the question. In between knee slapping and snorts I said "No" while continuing with my comical tirade.

It wasn't til most recently, when an older friend of mine, passed away suddenly due to a heart attack that I was forced to revisit that question. Though most people were dealing with the abrupt passing of our colleague with tears and more common ways of mourning, I found myself asking my friend if it was to soon to make jokes. (To which she answered "Yes Tiffani" very frankly). I know many of you are probably shaking your heads at me right now ready to press the "x" button at the top of this window, in disbelief of my disrespect for the dead, but before you do allow me to explain.

I am light hearted by nature. I don't do well in tenebrious type situations at all. Delicate scenarios that involve a lot of crying, hand holding, and hugging, are not usual scenarios I do very well in. In fact to be blunt funerals, wakes, divorce, breakups, "I think I might be pregnant"(s), "My father is cheating on my mother", "I got fired" are most all of the situations I might not be the most reliable source in. I honestly feel there is a very FUNNY silver lining to everything. I believe that I'm here on this earth to cut through the tension. I'm supposed to be the one that points out that 800lb gorilla standing in the corner.

So I ask myself the initial question again. "Don't you mind being the comic relief all the time?" and to this I still answer "No, why should I. I don't like seeing people cry unless they are happy tears, and I rather be the reason for the happy tears then being the one to prolong the sad ones."

Aint It Da Truth...

2009-10-23T15:45:00.000-07:00

I hate slang!! I am particularly careful when I speak, as to not sound like everyone else. Even when I text I use perfect English. No short cuts. No using numbers for words. I spell everything out trying my hardest not to conform. However, it is hilarious to me that the minute one of my knuckle head children does something to irritate me, the "Brook Lynn" in me rears her ugly, and might I add, ghetto head. Case in point: Today my 7 year old daughter (let's call her "M" so when I'm old and gray she doesn't put me in a home for putting her business in the streets) rolled her neck at me. I couldn't even tell you what we were talking about because I blacked out. All I remember are these words. "Who is you talkin' to. Imma give you 2 seconds to undastan dat I will reach round dis' chair n slap da black off ya." Go ahead and judge me if you want, but I know every parent, no matter how educated, has had one of these moments. Now ain't that da truth?

Allow me to reintroduce myself...

2009-10-21T13:46:00.000-07:00

Eager to discuss the dreadful but still humorous details of my evening last night, I neglected to introduce myself to those I hope to entertain. So.... allow me to reintroduce myself...My Name is Tiffani (did you guys sing the Jay Z Song in your head as you read that cause I definitely sang it as I typed it). However, at any given time you might 'read' me refer to myself as one of my many alter ego's: Tiff (my bestest friends call me that), T.I. (when I'm getting my Rihanna on), T.Diddy (that's my karaoke stage name), Mom(yeah I have kids), and *embarrassed*.... "Yo" (given to me by my loving, affectionate and romantic husband). Feel free to call me any of those with the exception of the last, just for the simple fact that it's so darn special.

Now, briefly, here are a few facts about me that you may want to know. I like to eat most anything that isn't still moving on my plate. I love to watch movies. My favorite genre? I would have to say action and romantic comedies, and if I'm lucky enough to find a movie that combines both I might skip buying the bootleg and go to an actual theater. I love being creative. My sister tells me that all my hobbies are expensive ones. I find this to be an absolute ludicrous statement considering how cheap...I mean frugal I am. Anyway a list of those hobbies, expensive or not, would be: photography, scrapbooking, anything Photoshop, makeup, and sleeping. I am the middle of three girls by the way, and you haven't witnessed Middle Child Syndrome like the kind I will be unleashing upon you.

Most everything else that's interesting to me, and about me, I expect you will be finding out as and if you choose to continue reading my blogs. I hope to entertain you with my life stories, and anomalistic way of thinking. So sit back, relax and laugh, and just try not to let whatever your drinking come through your nose.

2009-10-20T18:51:00.000-07:00

So today was a very eventful day. My parents house was broken into and ransacked. Though most people would be terribly frightened, depressed, or saddened, I, your resident comic relief was armed and ready with my usual wit. I could not help but go on about how dumb the thieves were leaving behind all the "good stuff". Although those morons did get away with two laptops, some jewelry, and a few hundred dollars of loose change my parents had been collecting, the clueless culprits left behind plenty of goods that could have been used to fund, I'm sure, some drug habit. Big screen TV's, crystal vases, speakers, printers, extra sets of car keys, and checkbooks were all left behind wondering themselves why they were overlooked Underwear draws were turned upside down, I'm positive, by the idiot henchmen (you know there is always a pinky and brain type character in these types of scenarios) probably looking for lacey thongs, or crotchless women's wear to wear under his clothes or on top of his head. And while my mother interviewed the neighbors and my father talked with the detectives, I entertained my two sisters. I wondered out loud what would have happened if my parents returned home early for a "nooner" (sick to think about but still funny)? Would the thieves freeze and pretend to be one with the couch? I couldn't help but think...out loud..."Did those bastards make themselves a plate while they were here? They could have touched our fried chicken, watched our cable." I thought. I did at one point become saddened by the fact that they did stumble across and steal my dad's shotgun, but that thought was qickly followed by "Those fools will be on the 10 o'clock news tonight for accidentally shooting each others heads off while trying to pose for a suvounair photo. LOL...now that would be a Karmic ass whoopin at it's best.